Star Wars: The Force Unleashed [video game review]

To be honest, I wasn’t looking forward to this game. The idea of shoehorning a secret apprentice of Darth Vader’s into the official Star Wars was not favorable in my eyes. It would be acceptable if this were, say, part of the Expanded Universe – because the Expanded Universe doesn’t really count. The efforts put into this game and constant work with George Lucas to put the pieces together makes this an official entry into Star Wars canon. My initial attitude was Where the hell does this fit?

A friend of mine picked the game up for his Xbox 360 a few months back, and he implored me to give it a try. You start the game as Darth Vader right after Revenge of the Sith, during his whole Jedi purge operation. It was fun playing as the Sith lord with so much power to command, then ending the first stage by killing a Jedi in cold blood. The next level, as the technically unnamed apprentice, was also quite fun. Busting into a TIE fighter facility and throwing pieces at people just feels right. Upon finding my brother owned the Wii version, I felt appropriately compelled to finish what I had started.

This review contains spoilers. This was necessary because, well, how can I bitch about the story without giving anything away? It’s been out since last September, so anyone who really cared about the story would have already played it through several times over by now.

The Short List

What it did right:

• Well-written story that finds an appropriate place between episodes III and IV
• Fun force powers
• Decent control implementation on the Wii
• Good voice acting

What it did wrong:

• Forced storytelling and nagging loose ends
• Stupid outfits
• Wii limitations
• Unnecessary amount of control granted on the Wii
• Not challenging but stupidly cheap at points

My initial concerns about how this story fits into the official Star Wars canon were assuaged roughly halfway through the game. As stated earlier, Vader takes in this secret apprentice at the beginning of the game, and it initially seems that the character is in Vader’s fold as Jedi killer. No, the apprentice is so much more – together Vader and the apprentice will overthrow the Emperor and take over the Empire. Awesome! What seems strange, however, is that at one point Vader sends the apprentice out to gather together dissenters with a certain amount of power for the purpose of starting a rebellion. We all know that becomes the Rebellion.

I haven’t gotten to the twist yet. Right now it sounds confusing. Vader has no reason to want to overthrow Palpatine at this point in the timeline, and putting together a rebellion as a diversionary threat against the Empire seems silly. I hope we’re all on the same page now.

The twist is that the grand scheme was orchestrated by the brilliant Palpatine. Vader was not disloyal to the Emperor in this recruitment. He created a powerful Jedi killer who is incredibly loyal to Vader and understands that he needs to be incredibly subversive to put things together. Vader eventually shoos the kid off to create the Rebellion – not to actually fight the Empire but to bring these people of power together in one place. Yes, the Empire does attack and capture everyone.

The Emperor didn’t count on the apprentice’s loyalty to his new Jedi master, General Kota, nor his did he count on the apprentice’s growing affection for his ship’s pilot, Juno Eclipse. In the official ending of the game, the apprentice lashes out against Palpatine despite Palpatine’s offer of becoming his new underling if he were to strike down Vader (whom you had just thrashed before coming into the room). The apprentice holds off the Emperor long enough for the newly formed Rebellion to escape. So, in the end, Emperor Palpatine accidentally creates both the Rebellion and a growing resentment in the soul of Darth Vader. Ever wonder why Vader would tell Luke they could overthrow Palpatine together and rule the galaxy as father and son? Because Vader realized that Palpatine would see him as just another replaceable pawn like Dooku and Maul.

You can also choose to join Palpatine and destroy Vader, resulting in a much shorter, less interesting ending. Aside from unlocking a new outfit, which you can get via a cheat code instead, there’s no point in getting this ending.

As you might have surmised from the apprentice’s fighting both Vader and Palpatine, the apprentice is quite powerful. The game doesn’t let you forget that, as this is definitely the game for abusing the force. I always wondered if LucasArts would ever release a game that would function as a good Jedi simulator strictly for consoles (I admit, I have yet to play Knights of the Old Republic) – now I don’t have to. You can lift/throw items or people, push back things with a blast of power, shoot lighting from your hands, choke people like Vader did, throw your lightsaber with deadly accuracy and have it come back, cause explosions, and even just grab people and pelt them with nearby objects. This last point is important to me due to how many times I’ve watched The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. I always thought that using the force entailed throwing metal objects at your opponent all the time. The fact that almost the entire environment can be a weapon makes this work. I’d certainly like to see this expanded upon in a future game.

And controlling the force powers is simple. Shake the nunchuck to shoot a ball of force. Click C to shoot lightning. Hold Z to grab something with the first, then use the directional pad and release Z to throw it. Hold Z to grab someone, turn the nunchuck upside down, and listen to the opponent choke to death. Non-force moves are just as simple. Shake the Wiimote to swing your lightsaber – and your strike is determined by what direction you swing the Wiimote. Hold A and turn the Wiimote to the side to block with the lightsaber, even reflecting blaster shots back at the shooters. Everything is really simple to do, even the quicktime events that would normally bother me in most games. Sure, play games enough and you’ll have all of the buttons memorized; but it’s not fun scanning the controller to figure out what button to press otherwise. It’s simplified in this game – shake either the nunchuck or the Wiimote, usually corresponding with whether you are using the force or brute force.

How would you like a video of that from someone who is too enthusiastic about saying things about unleashing the force, to the point where I think he doesn’t “get it”?:

What helps bring the whole package together are the performances of the actors. I normally gloss over this because that’s one of the least important things to me in terms of what makes a good video game. Well, Sam Witwer’s performance as the apprentice was just plain good. He delivered his lines subtly, showing a confidence in his abilities but lack of respect for himself because he’s Vader’s slave. While I have complaints about the recording of Juno Eclipse’s voice (shouldn’t sound like she’s in a sound booth when the people around her aren’t), the Emperor’s accent being way off, and the fact that you can tell James Earl Jones is not the voice behind Darth Vader, none of that matters because the game is centered around the apprentice. His believability is what counts. Although it does help that the rest of the voices were just fine, including the random stormtroopers who yell out, “How the hell are we supposed to deal with that?” or something to that effect.

So I’ll say that this is a good game that makes a good addition to the Star Wars universe, but it is by no means a great game that makes a great addition to the universe. It tries, but it’s not quite there. While the Rebellion and Vader plotlines work very well in the context of the six films, the rest of the game still has no place. Hell, it doesn’t even stand well on its own. We’re told by the end of the game that the apprentice has fallen for Eclipse, and she’s the reason he was able to fight back against Vader and the Emperor in the end. That would be fine if, in the course of my playing the game, I had seen the romance develop. Hints were dropped that it was developing. That’s it. The apprentice saves Eclipse at some point and she points out that “we both know” why. She kisses him before his assault on the incomplete Death Star. That’s it. There was nothing else. No subtle flirtation leading up to anything. If hiring a woman to pilot my ship knowing that I’m going out of my way to kill Jedi is the stuff that makes for a true romance, then sign me up!

What long time Star Wars fans might have noticed coming into the game is that the apprentice is not in any other Star Wars media. You’d expect that, perhaps, he makes a noble sacrifice in the end to make up for his dark beginnings. And you’d be right. While I think that such a thing is responsible storytelling, it also comes across as pretty forced. Just because you create a character who doesn’t exist in the overall storyline doesn’t mean that you have to kill him. You can come up with reasons for him to go into hiding. It just requires that you’re a good writer, which video games still sorely lack. Instead, as a final gesture to the importance of this new character, the Rebel insignia is based on the apprentice’s family crest. And yet he’s someone no one speaks of – even if Princess Leia met him!

Along those lines, why have the apprentice die when you still let General Kota, another Jedi who never existed previously, survive at the end of the game? You still have this unknown Jedi floating around the galaxy. No, sorry, he’s not floating around the galaxy. There’s a Jedi working with the Rebellion! General Kota helped to create the Rebellion, so why haven’t we heard about him in the later films? That’s irresponsible storytelling right there. It nags at me because, at the very least, Luke Skywalker should have been allowed to know that another Jedi was serving the Rebellion.

Then there’s the costume element in the game. I don’t generally like when games give me the option of changing my character’s look unless it is somehow reflected in gameplay. Changing outfits in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City had a point. In Metal Gear Solid 3, certain outfits were better camoflage in specific areas. In most games, though, I think the idea of changing your character’s aesthetic is so that guys can make their characters look more badass and fangirls can make their characters more hot. In The Force Unleashed, outfits are awarded to the character for completing areas – areas in which it would have been appropriate for him to have already been wearing the outfit. There’s an outfit with a respirator that’s literally a pre-Vader outfit that you’re awarded after travelling to a planet on which it would be difficult to breathe. Silly.

No, that’s silly. Technically, that’s the apprentice’s full outfit after he’s done training. While most of the outfits don’t put a mask on the apprentice, many of them still have similarly high collars. I’m not a big fan of the design aesthetic of Tetsuya Nomura, so I would prefer the Star Wars universe avoid disgustingly high collars like that unless rolled into the Kingdom Hearts universe.

While I’d like to protect any and all games that come out on the Wii from unnecessary criticisms, it is important to note that the Wii is not as powerful as the Xbox 360 and Playstation 3 platforms, so it’s lacking in some elements that are found on the others. I’m not going to knock the graphics, which are naturally lesser than the other two systems, but the lack of destructive elements was a disappointment. I could not take down TIE fighters or use their parts as weapons against the enemies. Even people who didn’t have any hands-on with the other platforms expected the same, and the Wii version couldn’t deliver. More disappointing, however, are the clipping issues. I’ve been backed into corners that put me on the edge of high up objects, and the game can’t decide if I’m high or low. I’ve also seen enemies who exist halfway between objects. This is not good, and it’s a design challenge I hadn’t seen in Wii games.

Not to mention the fact that objects start growing out of the environment as soon as you clear it of bad guys. This makes for a weird effect, as if killing the bad guys makes the world healthier. It’s weird…and something better suited for the new Prince of Persia title that strangely was not released on the Wii.

In producing this game for the Wii, LucasArts was excited about implementing lightsaber controls. They wanted to create the ultimate lightsaber gaming experience, with 1:1 mapped controls – meaning the apprentice swings in one of four directions you swing your Wiimote. That’s a nice idea, but anyone who has spent a significant amount of time with the Wii will tell you that the Wiimote is an imprecise tool. It’s good at determining movement, but multiple movements would prove difficult. I wanted to create my own lightsaber combos in the game, but it wouldn’t let me. Sometimes an upswing would be read as a stab. Sometimes a swing left and then right would go unregistered. I can understand why LucasArts would be upset with Nintendo for not telling them about the add-on that will improve the Wiimote’s performance, since this was advertised as the utimate lightsaber experience. It makes LucasArts look bad. I hate to say it, but it’s their fault anyway. I’m a proponent of Wii motion controls, but a dependency on their being precise is naive. I’m sure people would have been happy with pre-set combos depending on how you swing the remote. Honestly, it came down to my swinging the Wiimote up and down most of the time, resulting in awesome looking combos that I couldn’t always recreate. I didn’t feel robbed. The idea of swinging the Wiimote and causing the character on-screen to attack is enough for many people. Have you not played The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess? LucasArts did what they could, but they really should have pulled that idea before releasing the game.

The last thing that really needed more fine tuning before release was the difficulty. The game is built like most current generation games, meaning that it’s not that incredibly hard. Up until the last stage, I don’t recall ever having to worry about falling off of platforms. Bosses aren’t even that bad. If you run low on energy, just circle around the room because energy will respawn. The game is only “hard” because enemies use unfair tactics. Junk creatures in one level can knock you back and forth between themselves until you die, and there’s no way out of it. Stormtroopers with jetpacks can hit you with unblockable moves and hover just outside of your view. (Note: You can’t target what you can’t see in this game.) How about the floating probe droids that spawn out of nowhere and shock you, either rendering you immobile in swarms or killing you when you think there’s a lull. You’d think that someone so strong with the force would be able to detect this stuff. It creates unnecessary frustrations for the player.

There’s something to be said for how this game punishes players as well. I think that some form of punishment is necessary in most video games to encourage players to work harder, but the type of punishment used in current action/adventure games misses the mark. For players who tend to die a lot, they have to overcome the challenge of not only getting past the point that kills them but also having to overcome being docked points – points that are used to upgrade the skills the characters has. In other words, the people who aren’t having as many problems will continue to do well because they’re receiving more points, but people who aren’t doing so well will continue falling behind because they are unable to make their characters stronger. There’s something screwed up about someone who thinks that’s fair.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed is overall a really good game play experience, and I’m pleased to say it does deserve a spot in the overall Star Wars universe. It might deserve a better spot in the expanded universe – a discussion for another time. However, if you’re looking for a fun experience as a badass Sith/Jedi, you could do worse.

Now, when are they going to release some games that cover events after Return of the Jedi, featuring our favorite characters from those movies? Or how about a game version of Dark Empire? C’mon there are so many more game possibilities existing in the future of that world, not the past.

Zack and Wiki’s most excellent adventure! [game review]

When I learned of the creation of Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros’ Treasure for the Wii quite a while back, I was excited to play the game. I was someone who always wanted to play the old LucasArts adventure games but never got the chance. My brother and I played Full Throttle, which was beyond great, but it wasn’t enough. Fast-forward to the release of the game…and I picked it up a month or so later. Sales for the game were not great due to the fact that it wasn’t well advertised. That and the fact that the game looks like a game for children but plays like one that only adults can get through. Fortunately, that’s the kind of game I appear to like. I remember enjoying the game when I first started playing nearly a year ago, but school and life got in the way of my finishing it. Now that I’m done, I can talk about it.

The Short List:

What it did right:

• The return of point-and-click adventure gaming
• Colorful cartoon visuals
• Sometimes appropriate waggle controls
• Mostly intuitive game play

What it did wrong:

• Confusion beyond intuition
• Punishment for asking questions
• Wiki should be silenced!

Zack & Wiki is a game about pirates on a journey to collect treasure. That’s it. This oversimplified plot is all that’s necessary for the game. It’s not about the pirates, although their narrative strings the stages together. The game is about facing the challenges in each stage so that the little pirates can grab their treasure. It’s you versus the environment – not the characters versus the environment. They’re your tools in this endeavor.

That’s what I’ve missed about adventure games. While many of the classic LucasArts adventure games have always had a fairly rich narrative, the structure of the game was so that you didn’t connect too much with the character on screen. You are some outside force aiding that character to the goal, fighting the environment together. If you were in greater control of the character, you would probably take fewer risks because that’s you. But in these games, they’re your tools. You have to try out different things to see what works.

This game really allows players to disconnect from their characters, which is necessary. The complexities of the puzzles require that you be able to move beyond the characters line of sight in order to properly plan the sequence of events necessary for the goal. Literally, the game lets you zoom out to see the stage as a whole.

Point-and-click games are a natural fit on the Wii. I’m sad to see that this is the only one available, and it didn’t sell well enough to start a trend. This is the type of game that should be selling the Wii beyond the introduction of Wii Sports. “Hey, aside from beating up on dad in the boxing game, you can even play a game like this. Move the Wiimote like a mouse over the landscape. Click there, and the character moves where you want him to go! See? Those controls aren’t too complicated for you. How do you know you can interact with an object? Hover the cursor over it. The star turned purple, so click A. Easy, right?”

Apparently wasn’t easy enough for Capcom to sell it to the public at large.

Tired as I am of the average title released for systems since the launch of the PSX, I quickly gravitated to the colorful graphics in this game. I like cartoons. I like interactive cartoons. (Hello Dragon’s Lair.) Zack & Wiki isn’t a perfect cartoon, and it doesn’t need to be. It’s a video game. The visual styling is a great escape from the drudge of dark and dank scenery offered up by most of the more popular releases. Sometimes it’s nice to have a game whose visuals are just cheerful. But a problem with this is the fact that most people would look at this and assume it’s game for kids, despite the fact that this would quickly make kids quit playing after a few levels. It’s hard!

For those wondering, there are Wii-specific waggle controls. Most objects require some twisting, turning, or shaking of the Wiimote in order to make them work. I’ve heard this referred to as a gimmick before. I can’t say that’s totally untrue. There are some cases where using such controls is totally unnecessary. Why can’t the lever just be pulled? I already said the block goes in the hole, so why do I have to pretend to place it there? But there are other situations where it just seems right and adds some sense of immersion to the experience. There was a level involving a lighter that just felt right. And there was something very appropriate about Wiimote manipulation during a certain boss fight (Note: the following boss video shows one of the possible solutions against this boss. This mirror formation, I believe, is only appropriate every other battle):

I’ll admit that the necessity of ringing the bell does get tiresome, and the rhythm game sections are a pain, but overall the controls are just fun. They definitely add to rather than detract from the overall experience. Plus it offers for a ending event totally in the player’s hands, much like Metal Gear Solid 3 – minus the emotional drain, but you’ll get yourself a tired wrist instead.

Then there are the puzzles. Almost every stage requires that you turn enemies into tools Zack can use on some part of the environment. It starts off very simple, with snakes turned into wrenches for plucking items down from high places. Then it starts getting creative and requiring that you get creative. You may be certain that the mole in the lower left of the area will be necessary for something, but he randomly pops out of three holes. I have a hammer, but whack-a-mole isn’t working so well. And what about those pirates I just turned into pegs? And that’s only about a third of the way into the game. Things get a lot more crafty from there.

…which is a problem to a degree. The game requires the player to think outside of the box, which I like. It’s a game I’d say to share with one’s kids because it requires creative solutions. However, some solutions are so creative that it’s not even fair. When you’re playing around in a fantasy toolbox in a fantasy environment, it’s not unfair to expect fantasy solutions – but it is unfair to expect such solutions to come easily. I have to admit to having gotten stuck quite a few times later in the game because I didn’t exactly know how the fantasy environment would react to my manipulation. One normally only tries solutions with an expectation of an outcome, but how are we supposed to know that a wind is suddenly present when we stand on that specific ledge? It’s not fair to expect people to hover the cursor absolutely everywhere on a huge stage.

Fortunately, the game has a built-in hint system for those of us who can’t come up with fantasy solutions. The only problem with this system is that you have to pay for it in not one but two ways. First you have to use money you’ve picked up along the way in order to pay for the items that give you hints. Then, if you complete the stage after receiving hints, your final score is docked for having used these items. I feel like it discourages the player from even asking for help, which is a shame because I don’t think it’s humanly possible to know all of the answers otherwise. There’s always going online, but that’s literally cheating despite it being the more economical solution in the long run. The experience has made me think a lot about help systems in video games – which is certainly a topic for a future entry.

I guess it comes down to my complaint being that of frustration compounded with frustration for even asking the game to help me. The game is a happy and fun experience until you get stuck. Then you just want to be past that part so you can be happy again. What didn’t help me in the experience was the voice of Wiki. The golden floating monkey makes the most annoying, high pitched sounds for no good reason. Every time you continue, after Zack gets up and releases his weird battle cry, Wiki rushes after him with an annoyingly pitched, “Za-kku-!” (The minimal voice work used for this game was in Japanese.) Every time I heard it, since I generally didn’t hesitate to put Zack in danger to see if it was a solution or death, I wanted Wiki to die. That thing got captured a few times during the game. My one regret is saving the monkey…

I can’t recommend this game enough to Wii owners. This is the type of game that goes hand-in-hand with the type of interface offered on the console. Plus it’s got a multiplayer component that I’m sure would make it an interesting party game or an enriching experience with family. I didn’t get to play with that function, unfortunately. Then again, I’m stubborn about puzzles and have this need to solve them on my own. The mere fact that the game allows others to draw on the screen to either point out hints to player one or cause a distraction is a step in the right direction. I remember the days of the NES when the one-player experience was somehow often a group experience. People would take turns playing through a game or backseat gaming was encouraged because video games were a new (or renewed) experience to which few people had access. With games being more popular, you don’t see that as often. Built-in backseat multiplayer looks like solution. But I digress. This is a great game for racking one’s brain and simply having fun with the console. If I rated games, I’d give this 4.5 out of 5 stars. But I don’t, so it simply gets my strong approval.

The trailer, for those interested:

Is that a giant robot in the end? I was certainly not surprised by Keiji Inafune’s involvement at that point. Felt like something X or Zero should fight…

Taken [movie review]

I had the fortune of seeing Liam Neeson’s new action thriller, Taken, weeks before its official release in theatres. Very rarely do I receive opportunities like this, so I decided to take it without knowing anything about the film. I don’t watch much television, so I did not see the trailer until after seeing the movie. Sometimes that’s better. For those curious, here’s the trailer:

The premise is simple but enticing. Neeson plays a man whose former employer was the government, and he worked in the role of a Preventor. That’s all you get of his background, aside from his friends talking him into a one night job as a bodyguard – and Neeson incompacitates a man making an attack on a pop star without breaking a sweat. Because of this background, Neeson was rarely home. This strained his marriage to the point of divorce, and he was rarely involved in his teenage daughter’s life. To make up for this, he quit his government position and lives as close to his daughter as possible. We see this in the first 20 minutes of the film, which sets up the idea that he will do anything he has to for the sake of his daughter. While following U2 (yes, the band) in Paris, she and her friend are taken by Albanians who are known for drugging young women and selling them as sex slaves. Such a strong setup, but I couldn’t help but take issue with the movie.

The Short List

What it did right:

• Great premise
• Strong performances

What it did wrong:

• Do we still have issues with the French?
• Disgustingly obvious coincidences
• That man is a psychopath
• Bad editing/Afraid to take chances

I already complimented the premise, and it’s great. An ex-government worker from the grittier side of things going all out in order to save the one person he loves most in the world. The strength behind that is enough to carry a movie, and it mostly did. What more do you need for an action movie? I like to think that this will fill the void left in the wake of the recently-finished Bourne franchise and even intends to make up for (what I was told was) a lackluster Bond last year. It’s hard to go wrong with Liam Neeson fighting again sex-traffickers in another country.

And I rarely ever find Liam Neeson bringing less than his A-game to any role. Even when he was toiling away in his tragic role in the Star Wars prequels, he was easily able to show that he was a star. Thanks to her work in the X-Men films, which I hated, I have to force myself not to grade Famke Janssen down. Her role in the film was very minimal, but she did quite well as the bitchy but concerned mother/ex-wife. But one of the most believable players was Maggie Grace as the daughter. While I could tell quite easily that she was definitely not a teenager – and she’s not, since she’s nearly as old as I am – she played an annoyingly selfish teen quite well. My only qualm with that was the fact that she wasn’t the right age. I’m comfortable with Hollywood casting the wrong age for older people, but teens are perfectly appropriate for playing teens.

While watching the film, I kept wondering if it was still appropriate for us to show that we have a problem with the French. Neeson’s character’s problems were with Albanians, but they were operating in France. This led to what can most appropriately be described as the Franco-Neeson War. Government officials came after him, and it was later revealed in a (I’m sure, shocking) twist that they were allowing the Albanians to kidnap international travellers for their sex ring. I know it’s just a movie, but this strikes me as further annoying post-9/11 Francophobia that I wish we would just leave behind. I’m surprised the movie didn’t end with Neeson taking his daughter out for freedom fries.

I hope I didn’t give away that he frees his daughter in the end. That’s the least of our concerns with the writing of the film. There were many situations where I felt that the happenings were a bit too coincidental to be taken seriously. Most notably was a point where he thinks he’s spotted his daughter in a brothel, but it turns out that it’s just some woman with a clue pinned on her. Literally, she’s carrying this clue with her, and she’s in this area he just happens to break into. There were so many other ways they could have led him to connecting point A to point C without there being this artificial B in the middle. Maybe some actual investigation? Maybe something smarter. All that it did was lead to a scene that shows off he has a certain measure of humanity left in him as he helps to rehabilitate a drugged up sex toy.

But he really doesn’t have much humanity. There’s a scene in the film that I don’t want to give away, but it was the absolute breaking point for me. I lost all interest in Neeson’s character when he went out of his way to harm an innocent person to force a bad person to do his will. I find this sort of situation character defining, and the character was defined as a sociopath at that very point. The beginning of the movie lays out that he’s a man who cares about his daughter above all else and that he’s a good man, even asking the pop singer for advice on how to help his daughter become a singer herself. (When the pop star snubs him, he doesn’t hesitate to save her life, showing he has a heart of gold. Which is fitting, since I don’t think gold works well as a pump.) The rest of the movie is supposed to show how much he loves his daughter and what he would do for her. I think the particular scene I’m referencing is supposed to demonstrate just how far he will go to save his daughter, but that’s truly the point where he shows he goes too far. Were this character, perhaps, the Punisher, then I could see this being appropriate because the character is literally defined as a psychopath. But Neeson’s character is presented as a steady, calm, collected individual with a particular goal. When you realize that it’s all calm and calculated and he performed the action very coldly, you realize that he rates somewhere unfortunate in the DSM-IV – and he loses my support because I realize he’s saving his daughter at the expense of others instead of merely sacrificing himself for her sake.

Despite the coldness the character demonstrated in that scene, despite the drugs, despite the sex trafficking, and despite the torture glorified in the commercials, the movie is only rated PG-13. How is a movie about sex, drugs, and violence only PG-13? Because they were afraid to take chances. They wanted to obtain as broad an audience as possible without intentionally offending people. Instead of showing drugs in use, they merely showed track marks. Instead of showing the brutal violence in fight scenes, they did that annoying thing where they chop out frames of footage – what makes it look like a fight is moving faster but instead looks very choppy. I can’t stand seeing that. They do this to make fights look less brutal, but it takes away from the actual impacts of the fights themselves. And the sex? None of which to speak. Even when the women are being auctioned off, they’re dressed and the camera doesn’t even linger on them for a second. We’re supposed to be entering into a seedy underworld, but somehow we’re doing that without it being perverse of voyeuristic. It’s jarring when you actually think about it. The film was afraid to take a chance, and I think that’s horrible. An R rated script was chipped down to PG-13 just to make sure more butts would be in the seats. Even if they eventually release an unrated DVD, as they tend to do these days, I actually feel too insulted to want to support it.

Now for the cliched cheesy exit line: I’m glad that I was offered the opportunity to see this movie for free, otherwise I would have felt like my money was wrongly Taken.

There’s a new X-Men show – and of course I’m unimpressed

It’s hard to find people in their 20’s who didn’t watch at least a little bit of the 1990’s X-Men animated series on FOX. We have so many fond memories of that show that some people are convinced that those were the definitive versions of the X-Men, despite the fact that Morph wasn’t a character in the comics until well after the show. No other characters exist except for the ones from the TV show. Then FOX kills off the series, along with the very popular Spider-Man, in favor of their own internal animation studios – only to be subsequently shitcanned due to the commercial failure of Titan A.E. in theatres.

The premature death of the animated series left a void that would go altogether unfulfilled for years. The live-action X-Men film revitalized some interest in the characters, and X-Men: Evolution was produced for television. The early episodes were quite disappointing from a long time fan standpoint, since most of us don’t like the idea of Wolverine being an instructor to Cyclops and Jean – who are high school students. Mixing high school hi-jinx with the overall plotline of X-Men is a risk…that they thankfully dropped as they went along. What was especially disappointing was the inclusion of Nightcrawler as another high school student, but he has to use a holographic imager in order to pass for normal instead of furry and blue. The issue with that it goes against the overall positive message that the X-Men comics attempt to share: people should be able to live in harmony with each other despite their differences; and one should never be afraid to be himself, even if it might be a little freaky for others.

Professor Xavier said we should live in harmony with everyone and ourselves. I doubt he would have approved of fitting Kurt Wagner with a device to make pass for a non-mutant. That’s like a Civil Rights activist advocating skin bleaching or heavy makeup usage so that black people could pass for white. Unintentionally, the cartoon tells kids that it’s OK to do what you have to be accepted by the crowd.

However, what the series did right was introduce its own stories into the X-Men universe. Many of the stories from the 90’s series were adaptations of comic stories, often simplified for the younger audience and changed because the producers didn’t want to expand the cast. The producers of Evolution must have said, “Screw it! We already have a different setting. Let’s go our own way. It’s been working for the Ultimate X-Men comic book.” While the series doesn’t have a huge fan following, comic fans appreciated the fact that the show was creative. Particularly, I liked what I saw of the storyline featuring Cyclops and his brother Havok receiving ultimate power over their abilities.

But that show ended. In the wake of the Wolverine-centered X-Men movies and the upcoming solo movie for the character, it’s time to release some indirect hype to pique interest that much more.

Yes, Wolverine and the X-Men, which by concept alone is enough to make a comic book reader shudder. What sense does it make to have the most volatile character in the comics the named leader of the X-Men? And he’s leading both Emma Frost and Scott Summers, the current heads of the Xavier Institute in the comics. It’s like they’re spitting in the faces of everyone who knows better. We understand that there’s a Wolverine film coming out next year, and we know that he’s the favorite character of a number of non-readers; but there’s no sense in naming him the leader of the group when it’s not in his actual character to make for a good leader unless the group is focused on killing people. (He leads a specific X-team for this purpose in the comics currently. It’s a good fit.)

While it hasn’t aired yet in the United States, the first episodes have aired elsewhere. After watching the first three, I can honestly say that I’m intrigued but very disappointed.

The Short List
What it did right:

• The popular character Angel is given an actual role in the series, and it’s befitting of his character in the comics. He’s the rich son of someone who generally tries to hide his being mutant, but Angel makes it a point to use his affluence for the benefit of mutants. He’s a rich playboy who knows how to act appropriately.
• Cyclops falls into despair with the loss of Jean Gray, and he becomes an incredibly bitter and angry person because of it. I certainly have problems with him almost completely giving up on everything; it’s nice to have a rough-and-tumble, action-ready Cyclops on television. Blasting Wolverine through his wall and into the side of another building is the least he should be doing.
• Emma Frost is another underutilized character I’m happy to see being used prominently on TV.
• The initial storyline is great. The X-Men are sitting back having a good time, then an explosion occurs. Both Xavier and Jean Gray have vanished, and the X-Men fall apart. This happens just before the government steps in due to the number of citizens calling for action against mutants. For this reason Senator Kelly is trying to pass the Mutant Registration Act, to have all mutants on file, and somehow there is already in action a Mutant Registration Department (MRD, which if you think about it doesn’t sound too far from “MuRDer”). One year later, mutants in the US are regularly incarcerated, the Brotherhood of Mutants is a terrorist organization that thinks the way to stop the rotting fish that is the government is to cut off its head, and Genosha is a peaceful paradise for mutants run by Magneto.
• Magneto is a benevolent leader on Genosha, and his palace is made completely of metal that he can bend and shape at will. He turns his entire fortress against the X-Men and defeats Wolverine, Cyclops, Kitty Pride, Emma Frost, Beast, and a surprisingly effective Iceman with little overall effort.

What it did wrong:

• Wolverine is the leader of the X-Men. At the end of the third episode, an astral projected Xavier even names him the leader of the group.
• They quickly reuse one of the most popular plots from the comics that seems to influence a number of shows that use time travel. Look at the current season of Heroes, for crying out loud. We’re done with “Days of Futures Past”. I don’t care if Xavier is somehow the only surviving mutant 20 years in the future. It’s the same damn plot we’ve received for years, despite the solution being, “Stay together as a team. With Wolverine as leader. I’m super cereal, guys.”
• Rogue abandons the X-Men for the Brotherhood because she’s tired of being abandoned by Wolverine. I’m supposed to take that seriously? The X-Men is a family that has even made a psychopath like Wolverine feel welcome, and somehow Rogue couldn’t find her niche save for him?
• The character designs are pretty ridiculous. Wolverine looks fine, and I’m surprised that Emma Frost’s outfit is being allowed for a children’s show. Cyclops even looks fine in his hooded outfit and a trench coat. Then we get to Beast in what can only be an outfit inspired by Arabian Nights, what with the baggy pants and Aladdin vest. Someone should explain to him that his last name is McCoy and not McLovin. Iceman with teenaged spiky hair doesn’t look right. He looks like he should be Iceboy, challenged by puberty. Then there’s Kitty Pryde and her silly pigtails and bell-bottom pants. It’s like some of these characters were designed by people who had never seen X-Men before.
• Cyclops willing joins the team under Wolverine, even jumping into a horrible plan to attack Magneto in Magneto’s metal fortress? Cyclops’ original role with the team was as field leader. If there’s no strategy behind a plan, he will speak up. And he will speak up against Magneto because he idealistically differs with the old man, but somehow he kept quiet and let Wolverine get all the dialog? If they’re not going to bother writing the characters appropriate to the characterizations that have been established for over 40 years, why bother using the characters at all?

I don’t like the series, but I want to know where it goes. Who took Xavier and Gray? How can team unity really protect the world from the horrible future ahead? Why doesn’t Magneto have guards in his fortress, and why did his island seem so empty? I’ll continue watching for now until my disapproval comes to a head. OK, I’m lying. I’m expecting this series to become a train wreck, and I want to watch that happen.

On a slightly unrelated note, has anyone ever really asked why an anti-hero like Wolverine is generally preferred over the actually heroic and by-the-books Cyclops? It ought to bring up some really interesting questions about society when the selfish, violent, booze-swilling, loner is the favorite character over the family-oriented, proper, friendly, responsible, commander of the team. Are we pushing people too hard with expectations for the “proper” way to be, or are we letting people get away with so much that they attach themselves to the character representing Id?

In the end, I still wonder about the American release of Casshern – was it possible to cash-in on Casshern?

My original exposure to Casshern was indirect at best back in the early-to-mid 90’s. I was just coming into my own as an anime fan and felt it was necessary to have a resource. The internet was still just a seed of a community at the time, so my only resources there were AOL’s anime message boards, tucked far in the back of the science fiction forum, and the anipike – whose URL was the full http://www.animewebturnpike.com instead of the current http://anipike.com. My resource was a magazine that directly referenced one of my favorite series in its title, Protoculture Addicts Magazine! I used to scour each and every page of the ‘zine for information regarding my new culture of anime. Half a page was devoted to the review of the OVA released by Streamline Pictures called Casshan: Robot Hunter.

The article told me all that I needed to know. This was an OVA remake of a classic 1970’s series. Since it was a classic for the hobby that I loved more and more each and every day of my young teen years, it was something that I needed to see. It never happened. I was also poor back then. At best, I could purchase one video a month. People take for granted their $20-$25 DVDs with three or more episodes, enhanced picture, textless opening and closing animations, previews, and other additional extra contents. It used to cost $30 for two episodes at best. I’d say, “And we were grateful,” but we weren’t. We were actually just hungry for more. I was hungry for Casshan until I forgot about it. Then I saw five minutes of it when it was on the Sci-Fi Channel, back when the channel had more worthwhile content than just Battlestar Galactica. (As a niche hobby enthusiast, I will not hold it against people for praising the channel’s showing WWE’s ECW. Doesn’t fit the name of the channel, but wrestling fans say that it tends to be a pretty consistently entertaining show. I’ll allow it.)

When the live-action, totally green screen film was announced during my latter years of college, I knew I would be able to see it via the circles in which I was involved. The fansub community only got better with the digital age, and college offers clubs and better opportunities to widen one’s social network with regard to real-world friends who share in the hobby. That makes it easier to find stuff. I watched the film through in one sitting, and that was it. I finally saw Casshern, new English spelling and all, and it depressed me. But I saw it, this robot-fighting beyond-human being, sans the traditional helmet, and…

To be frank, I thought it looked good but simply forgot about it. It’s not one of those films you run to your friends to discuss. It’s one of those films that happens and makes you feel bad for watching it. Not because it’s a bad film. It isn’t. It has its flaws, but it is by no means a bad film. The content is just sad. It’s bleak. The world is at war, there’s genocide happening, and there’s no good resolution to any conflict. Fighting to the death is fine, but it’s not when we clearly hate the idea of killing people.

I don’t want to spoil the movie because I think it’s worth watching. I re-watched it again the other day and fully realize that it’s a great piece of science fiction. But it runs long. In my view, two and a half hours is long for any movie. Japanese films a worse with the time use because the culture uses a lot of “unspoken” moments. I’ve been told that the culture simply has some things implied, so there are scenes where there is a lack of dialogue. Personally, I fail to see how so much can be implied and thus think that it’s cultural pride that takes place. If you don’t get it, you don’t say anything for fear of coming across as foolish. Then again, I’m an outsider to the culture, so what the hell do I really know?

Brief summary of the film, by me of course:

There’s a long, nearly ever-lasting, war raging throughout the world. Tetsuya, our protagonist, volunteers to be a soldier despite his budding career as a doctor. Meanwhile, his father, Dr. Azuma, has discovered a culture of people who may be directly linked to the first inhabitants of our world, and their cells may hold the answer to curing all diseases and rehabilitating the chronically injured. Cut to some time later when Tetsuya dies on the battlefield (attempting to save a baby, so we know he’s a good guy) and Dr. Azuma has giant pools of cultured body parts in a facility. Suddenly a giant stone lightning bolt with presumably the power of a lightning bolt crashes into the facility and the pools of body parts. Parts come together and people walk out, and of course someone calls in soldiers to shoot a bunch of them. Naturally, a handful of these newly born people escape and even kidnap Tetsuya’s mother. Dr. Azuma grabs his son’s body and dunks him to the pool that brought new life, and Tetsuya is born again. The people who crawled out of the pools start calling themselves “New Humans” or “Neo-Sapiens” (depending on the translation and your own level of fandom for ExoSquad) and end up in a facility that constructs large homicidal robots with the mere push of a button. Of course, Tetsuya ends up with a battle suit (sans signature helmet), starts calling himself Casshern, and fights to the death with the New Humans and the robots (but he only fights the robots once…). And the ending is tragic!

The Wikipedia entry on the film says the film’s themes are hatred and racism, among others that went unlisted because the section is in-progress at this time. I’d be inclined to admit that those themes are indeed present but not the main themes of the film. I’d say the more prevalent themes are the old scifi standby about the results when man plays god and the more esoteric meaning of life given the possibility of second chances (when playing god). There’s also a theme of power in the government corrupting all, but we have the real world to show us that one.

God, or gods, works in mysterious ways in this film. I don’t understand why a giant stone lightning bolt would be the chosen interference for (yet catalyst in the success of) their experiments with human genes, unless the Japanese have decided to adopt Zeus into their already rich mythology of deities under Shintoism. The only explanation for the lightning is some sort of god. Also, toward the end, Casshern is teleported from one place to another against his will – and what’s the explanation for that? (Yes, the lightning bolt stone thing is involved there as well, further connecting it.)

And someone specifically mentions the cheapening of life when given a second chance. “What’s the point of living life to its fullest when you get a second chance?” or some similar question to that. And that’s a good question. There’s a certain futility, and I suppose it does further flavor the war-torn and horrible world in which they live. Everything they’re doing is pretty much for naught. The solution is thus to remove oneself from a position in which one would be trying to control life and leave it up to, well, you know. Second chances at life don’t hold much weight when they’re man-made.

I’m not theistic, so my view of the theme comes with an interesting curiosity rather than agreement or flat out enjoyment of their portrayal. It just raises some questions that I think would be great in conversation with someone who may have watched the movie alongside you. Plus the backgrounds and environments are almost completely constructed in CG. It’s a beautiful gritty world, and the low film quality used in Japanese cinema, to save money that they don’t have compared to the excessive expenditures in America, helps the actors and environments blend together almost seamlessly. I shudder to see how this film would look with clearer film stock, or even on Blu-Ray.

The movie comes with a pretty big recommendation from me, but only if you’re a scifi fan, anime, or connoisseur of very visual films. The main thing I’d change is the length of the film. I know the American cut of the film trims out about 18 minutes, but I don’t know where. If I were to trim it, it’d be in the first half our. The beginning should show the birth of Casshern and the New Humans, and then the rest should be the fallout. If I had the means and the time, I’d like to cut together my own edit of the film, kind of like the supposedly superior cut of The Phantom Menace that’s been floating around the web.

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The Short List:

What it did right:

• Beautifully realized dystopian landscape which could only be achieved via extensive green screening
• The action sequences were fun to watch, although short
• The characters were well acted and characterized really well – you generally understand their motivations and even why Casshern wishes to stay dead
• Excellent discussion material
• The mood, as dour and remorseful as it was, was perfectly realized

What it did wrong:

• Why the hell was this movie so damn long and slow moving?
• Is god really a good plot device?
• Even if the helmet would have been retro kitsch, I think it should have been part of Casshern’s battle armor because he looks fairly boring without it
• I don’t understand the developmentally deficient New Human – was there a problem in his coming together, or was there something more? I don’t think a toady character fits well into this sort of film
• I understand that the film was expensive and they needed to go to freely available music, but they certainly overdid the Beethoven

On Orders and Ecclesiastics

The 2D Castlevania series of games has existed safely nestled within the tropes it established for itself since its 32-bit (arguable) masterpiece, Symphony of the Night. Almost every game since has featured metroidvania free-roaming castle exploring, experience leveling, and red herrings appearing halfway through. It was a pretty good formula, especially given the usual high quality of the music and the tiny tweaks made to vary the titles. Even the occasionally frustrating touch-screen feature in the first DS title, Dawn of Sorrow, was welcome and neat. It changed the atmosphere ever so slightly, which was necessary given that it was a direct sequel of Aria of Sorrow.

The new DS game, Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia, attempts to shake-up the formula by introducing a feature abandoned after the 16-bit console games – linearity. For the most part, the incredibly large, living castle of previous games is abandoned for individual stages. The stages are relatively short, but they do each contain their own miserable little pile of secrets, including multiple exits which open up additional stages. However, after you complete a stage, you do not need to travel through it again to reach either the stages before or after it. There’s a simple map that lets you jump from place to place instead. While I find it odd, I must commend its ease of use.

The staging is something I find much more interesting than the new character’s supposedly unique abilities. Again, since Symphony of the Night, ever protagonist has brought something new to the table, usually in the form of powers. Shanoa, the first female lead protagonist since Sonia of Castlevania: Legends was officially retconned out of the official timeline, borrows and expands on the powers held by Soma Cruz in Aria of Sorrow and Dawn of Sorrow. Like Soma, she absorbs powers from enemies – but unlike Soma, the powers are the only weapons she’s given. It’s a neat idea, actually. Most powers can be equipped to either her left or right hand, so she can duel-wield weapons or spells, or even one weapon and one spell. An additional attack, using hearts collected (another old staple of the series), is accomplished by holding the up button and pressing an attack button – unifying the two powers into an even more powerful attack. It’s neat, but it’s only neat.

Other than that, the tropes are still in place. How does this work out? It’s not a very good brewing. With the stages being linear and unnecessary to traverse to get from one to another, it creates a much shorter game. Backtracking was certainly annoying at times in previous titles, but it added depth and helped establish a world in the minds of the players. I just think they were lacking in save points, but that’s common in most attempts to create challenge. Ecclesia ramps up challenge in its shorter stages by making enemies much stronger than they were in previous games. No matter what armor you equip, it’s hard to protect Shanoa because I’m pretty sure she’s made of paper-mache. There are three solutions to this: more conservative fighting (which only goes so far but was my chosen technique), leveling up before attempting the newer stages, or being lucky enough to score a random power drop that greatly enhances Shanoa’s ability to progress.

Shanoa’s lack of physical constitution appears to be a bane for many players of the game because of the handful of boss encounters. Before I go on, I have to say that I enjoyed fighting the bosses. Not necessarily because of the challenge but because they were strategically placed obstacles to block a player’s progress. Some boss encounters are at the end of a stage, blocking a mandatory power that the player must get, and then the player has to trek back to the beginning of the stage to escape. Some bosses are in the middle of a stage. The occasionally boss is at the beginning of the stage, catching most players off guard. Aside from that, many of them fight like Gradius-bosses. They have set patterns you have to recognize, moments where you can’t fight but instead have to spend time dodging, and your character certainly will die if you get hit more than a handful of times. For this reason, the game actually rewards players with in-game medals if they beat a boss without getting hit. (Note: I received not a single medal and don’t plan on it.)

The difficulty boost was necessary because, with the stage setup and everything, the game was just so short. While I’m known to prefer shorter games, this fails to be a good pick-up-and-play title because you can’t zip through it, especially not to the good ending. Shortening the game but adhering to other Castlevania tropes puts this game in an state of being. Shortness suggests quickly shooting through the game; but the experience system suggests that you can’t just run through and get to the end of a stage, the luck stat-based power drop means you won’t necessarily pick up almost necessary abilities for advancement, and the red herring mid-game boss requires you do some exploring of every stage to find what you need to advance. Strangely, this game doesn’t provide any hints to what is necessary for passing the mid-game boss safely until after you’ve defeated him and have achieved the “bad end”. (Even then, it doesn’t share that you’ll have to do some classic Castlevania secret-finding – meaning hitting all walls to find out if they break. At least one was hidden in a Donkey Kong 2-esque manner – just ask Sirlin, who doesn’t seem to enjoy the hotlinking of his pages or something: http://www.sirlin.net/archive/hiding-secrets-in-platform-games/.)

Like the Castlevania handhelds before it, Ecclesia tries to bolster its replay value with further exploration, a bonus dungeon, and additional play modes that include a boss rush and the ability to play as another character. Like the Castlevania handhelds before it, I’m uninterested in the additional modes. I’m actually less interested in this game than I was the previous ones because of its length. The short level design and short overall feel of the game made me feel detached from the game playing experience. I wasn’t presented with a world that made me not want to leave it. There’s no longing to exploring the pirate ship under the sea. There’s no longing to return to the “Giant’s Dwelling”. And why do I want to go to a bonus dungeon? It just sounds like more work. The boss rush mode is compelling, but I’m not into timed game play unless I’m playing a racing game. I attempted playing with the new character, but the mode completely foregoes a narrative and provides a strangely overpowered character – who continually levels up mind you, so there’s never a concern about difficulty. The character has ranged attacks, so I was hoping that it would be like playing as Mega Man in a Castlevania-themed world, but it didn’t work. Mega Man feels right because he is consistently powered through the game. One shot to take out weak enemies and between 3 and 10 for stronger ones. So long as you stick to the arm cannon, this is consistent as you progress. This character in Ecclesia kills most enemies in the beginning with three or four shots of his weakest ability – and you’re given four different attacks from the beginning. I played through two stages, advanced a few experience levels, and started killing the most weak enemies with a single shot. One would think it would be fun to take a previously challenging world and walk through it without having to take a breath. It’s not.

Order of Ecclesia is a game that I can’t recommend buying at full price. It’s worth playing through once for the experience of it, because it is another Castlevania game. It’s just lacking something. It feels like a transitional title. The series creator probably wants to change the direction of the series, and this was only a step. Well, here’s a suggestion: Dropping one cliché at a time until something new comes up is not the way to go; newness is not a variant but rather a revolution. (Or, in the case of Mega Man 9, a devolution.)

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The Short List
What it did right: the music was the usual high standard of Castlevania titles, the control was tight and concise, each boss was a unique and fun experience in itself, and the map function between stages created an appreciably easy function for advancement…

What it did wrong: …which unfortunately made for an even shorter game than would have been experienced with its already short stages, the powers weren’t varied enough, leveling seems out of place in this style of action-adventure game, the story was boring with the plot twists fairly cliché (for the series), and there’s little to no replay value unless the player is a neurotic completist or obsessed with Castlevania titles

Crow 4: Wicked Prayers Go Unanswered

The original film entitled The Crow is a film known for not only the death of the beloved Brandon Lee but also the fact that the themes of loss and suffering are layered throughout every element. A loving couple is killed the night before their wedding on Halloween Day (in Michigan we call October 30th “Devil’s Night”), and a year later a crow brings the groom-to-be back to life as the spirit of vengeance, The Crow. The story is a fairly average revenge tale, except the hero is powered by a mystical crow. Point of note is the fact that he absorbs from a friend the 30 hours of suffering the friend witnessed of the hero’s fiancé as she slowly died after being raped and attacked. That’s how The Crow wins in the end – he transfers that feeling of pain into the villain (which makes him fall off a building, but let’s ignore that).

The movie also had this grittiness to it that has to be seen to truly be appreciated. Gotham City is an artistic piece in almost every incarnation, but Detroit in The Crow is frightening. No wonder people are frightened of where I was born. If that movie is the impression people have, there’s no hope. However, this scary image of Detroit is just one more layer to what was great about the original film.

And then I watched The Crow: Wicked Prayer. I knew that it was bad going into it. Everything spun off of the original film has turned to shit, so why not Crow 4, starring Edward Furlong as The Crow, David Boreanaz as the leader of a devil worshipping gang, and Tara Reid as the gang leader’s ex-prostitute girlfriend? I’m actually a Boreanaz fan, thanks to my absolute love for the show Angel, but I know he’s not the guy you want to find for a starring role in a feature. His work is underappreciated, although it’s still not A-list level.

The casting is bad! Furlong looks horrible and less than intimidating in the make-up. The Crow is supposed to be imposing and frightening, not someone who looks like a school boy. No wonder he got his ass handed to him throughout the film. Reid was surprisingly OK in her role. She was understated and needed to be. If anyone can walk away with this film on a resume, it’s Tara Reid.

Except for the fact that the movie lacks anything that makes it comparable to the first film. What I loved about the original film was how atmospheric it was. Its theme echoed throughout everything. Even the death of Brandon Lee added something ominous that resonated with the film, I’m sad to say. And the soundtrack was perfect. The Crow is one of those few movie soundtracks that I think should be in someone’s collection for so many reasons. It sets the tone, it tells a story by itself, and it even serves as an archive of the music of that era. Few soundtracks manage that.

Wicked Prayer takes place on an Aztec Reservation in what I’m assuming is New Mexico. There’s quite a bit of sunlight shown throughout the film. Hell, light in general is all over the film. The soundtrack also reflects how close to the border the characters live. There’s next to no licensed music used in the film. It’s all scored, and all of the scoring has a Mexican flavor. There’s no way to layer on a theme in this scenario. Sure, they’ve made the legend of the crow an Aztec thing, but it’s not brooding or anything. In fact, it comes across as rather silly.

Toward the end, I realized that the director probably at no point told anyone to take the film seriously. Everyone was hired for a job, and the goal was seemingly to get from A to B culminating in a payday. Furlong attempts to do seething and instead gets wide-eyed and shaky, like a psychotic who thinks he’s setting you on fire from yards away using only his mind. Boreanaz stays pretty laid back during the first two acts, but that doesn’t matter because there’s basically a title card that pops up for his character to introduce him as “Death” (of the Four Horseman, the worshippers) and that his mission statement is to “Raise Hell. Literally.” When his character finally becomes Lucifer in the final act, he just goes whacky. I was looking forward to it because I know Boreanaz can pull of psychotic evil characters – just watch season 2 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or season 4 of Angel – but he end up disappointing me by playing what seems to be a parody of his role as Angelus. Shame. I’d blame him, but it was all in the dialog, too.

Whoever wrote the script better have used a pseudonym. Lucifer’s lines were bad enough, but the pimp named El Nino (played by Dennis Hopper) took the cake. If the goal was to make him an out-of-touch white man attempting to use various street slang, the mission was only accomplished to a degree. Everything he said was cringe-worthy because it was just awkward. He wasn’t a believable character. He sounded like he was reading out of the coloring book of a gang-banger’s son. He literally asked if Lucifer was “the original OG.” Yes, he did.

Obviously, I don’t endorse this movie. I can’t even find it in me to merely protest this movie. I feel like the only recourse is to somehow take something away from this movie. It’ll come to me in a second.

The Short List
What it did wrong: Further tarnished the legacy of The Crow movie, had no atmospheric qualities, the soundtrack was better suited for From Dusk Till Dawn, and everyone involved – minus one – looked like they were only there to cash in
What it did right: Tara Reid came across looking like she wanted to film a movie

See what I did there? I took away what little dignity this film could possibly have. Seriously, how horrid is your movie when the only thing that looks even remotely professional or respectable in the entire production is Tara Reid? It’s no wonder a sequel hasn’t been filmed since.

Too much Chocolate News is bad for your health

David Alan Grier’s career has offered him many opportunities to ultimately be ignored. He’s a houehold name for black Americans because of his regularly being featured on In Living Color, an infamous black sketch comedy show that is long overdue for a successor. He’s been involved in a number of other projects, but no one cares. He was excellent in Amazon Women on the Moon, but his part was small. Then again, who actually saw that movie and remembers it?

Last night Comedy Central aired the first episode of a new series featuring Grier – Chocolate News. It’s a comedy show about black people in the news. What it seemed like to me was maybe an African American version of The Daily Show. That concept was amazing to me. A comedy news show about notable happenings with black people in the world. Turns out the concept was too good to be true.

The show started off on the right foot. The cold open featured a monologue spoken by Grier about the devolution of hip-hop music. He talked about the message being lost over time. Hip-hop used to discuss empowerment and fighting the establishment. Now it’s about money and objectifying women. He compared and contrasted past lyrics and attitudes, notably that the music went from fighting the man to “Wait till I show you my dick!” The rant went as far as to compare Ice Cube’s history to his present, from “Fuck tha police!” to Are We There Yet? I was really feeling this show.

Then it actually started. It’s a sketch comedy show with a news-like backdrop. No. That’s letting it off too easy. It’s a bad sketch comedy show with an unnecessary news-like backdrop. It lost my interest because the humor wasn’t even intelligent. Hell, there was even a segment featuring “the president of the NACCP” and some white representative coming to terms with the use of the N-word by white people. The agreement was that black people got a lost of really lame slurs for white people that they could chain together liberally to equate to the damage of the word “nigger”. They signed the agreement, and as soon as the white guy used the word, a fight broke out. This is comedy?

I can’t fault the show for not knowing how to be funny. Good African American comedy is hard to find. The last two shows I really enjoyed were The Boondocks and The Bernie Mac Show. I’ve heard good things about Everybody Hates Chris, but I have yet to catch it. The two shows that I’ve mentioned have really good writing, and the comedy is in the situations and the reactions. Chocolate News and other so-called “black entertainment” usually come up with utterly ridiculous situations and beat them to death with over-the-top reactions. I’m still trying to figure out when it was decided that African American comedy was centered around getting louder and not being, you know, actually funny.

Grier can be funny if given the proper direction. I’m willing to suspect that he knows how to do it on his own if he has to do so. Last night’s episode of Chocolate News showed him not being funny. He would just yell, which is not funny. My mother’s black. She yells, often at me. Doesn’t make her funny. I grew up listening to and watching black stand-up comedy. Bill Cosby, Eddie Murphy, and Chris Rock all get louder in their routines, but there’s a reason why it’s funny and those points cause a reaction from the audience. They’re not simply yelling – they’re emphasizing points in their stories. I fear that somewhere along the way the culture (or the demons behind programming the culture, but I won’t get into conspiracy theories about the dumming down of people – feel free to watch The Boondocks episode called “Hunger Strike” instead) decided that THE POINT AT WHICH THE COMEDIAN GETS LOUD IS WHEN YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LAUGH, FUNNY OR NOT.

Chocolate News is another African American comedy show on television that inevitably results in making black people look both vulgar and stupid. I’m sure someone is going to step up and tell me that it’s similar to In Living Color in some way, but that’s ridiculous. While both are sketch comedies shows featuring David Alan Grier, In Living Color was groundbreaking in that it was, I believe, the first African American sketch comedy series on national television, and the writing was actually funny. Sure, the Fly Girls were completely unnecessary, but people only remember them because Jennifer Lopez somehow found fame after being one of the nameless pieces of eye candy. (Oh, and Rosie Perez was the choreographer for two years.) Maybe I’m being quick to judge, but I don’t expect Chocolate News to last more than one season, and that’s even if it gets to the end of its first season. Those of us looking for good black entertainment will have to continue waiting.

The Short List
What it did right: opening monologue that actually discussed a shift in black culture, the concept of a news show specifically for black people
What it did wrong: wrote the show like every other African American comedy show, failed to be funny

[Note: You might have noticed that I shifted from "black" to "African American" whenever I mentioned comedy, resulting in the phrase "African American comedy". I admit that it is awkward sounding, but "black comedy" has a completely different meaning altogether. In truth, had Chocolate News made use of black comedy, I bet it would have been at least 25% better than it actually was.]