Meaty Tasty Franchise Bits

A couple of quick tids of info about two of our favorite genre franchises, Alien and Terminator have popped up courtesy of our chums at Aint-It-Cool.Com

Firsty, it seems that Ridley Scott, famed and beloved cinema genius behind the first Alien flick, is developing a prequel at his Scott Free production company. The Brothers Scott (Ridley and Tony) had it in mind that commercial directing protégé Carl Erik Rinsch would be the man behind the megaphone for this installment, presumably fulfilling some kind of bedtime promise made to the director in between gleeful puffs of Scott cock. Unfortunately Fox Pictures, showing once again why they are the absolute toilet of creative film endeavors and the enemy of franchise films and fans everywhere, is telling the Scott boys that they aren’t interested in making another flick with the nasty biters unless Ridley himself directs. Given quality level of the Alien Vs. Predator films, and knowing that the FOX execs are about as honest as a candy bar wrapper full of farts, I’m sure this is more about cashing in on the Ridley Scott name then worrying about whether or not their pet Nazi can direct. Me, I’m not sure I could care less. The idea of making another Alien film seems almost apocryphal at this point as all the good ideas that could have been applied to the proceedings already have been, with varying levels of success. And before anyone opens up their Cheeto orange fanboy mouths; yes I know that you’ve been bitching for years about seeing the Colonial Marines go shooting up the Alien homeworld and that you all seem to think that this kind of wish fulfillment porn is a good thing. Let us not forget that Warner Brothers tried to stroke your fragile and steroid infused geek egos for their franchise. They let the ridiculously monikered McG wear the big boy pants and the result was Terminator Salvation. So you see my point that giving you people what you want is nothing more than a hemorrhoid in the making.

Speaking of Terminator, early reports indicate that the fanboy bating isn’t over as the production team desperately attempts to kick over every rock in the anorexic Terminator universe to find ways to separate you from your money. This time, they are setting their sights on having John ‘Wayne’ Connor time travel back to 2011 to fight the good fight. The idea is to have him meet a scientist, who just happens to look like Robert Patrick, whose work will eventually become the T-1000 from T2. Of course, the machine will follow him back and now the, “Fight for the future comes to the present” or whatever overly dramatic bullshit they’ll decide sounds appropriately dark and cool on the posters. I don’t even know where to start on how miserable a fucking idea all this sounds like. Firstly, I don’t know how many times it has been established that nothing non-organic can go through the Terminator time tunnel, but suddenly having hordes of machines romping through present day London seems like a tiny bit of overkill in the, “Gee I wish I could see…” category. This sounds like more fanboy wish fulfillment that has no hope of actually being shaped into a compelling narrative and instead will just come down to lots of CGI Terminators walking around beating people in their amazingly lame PG-13 way and destroying historic monuments. And the idea of meeting the guy who created the T-1000’s technology just seems like… well it just seems like it’s going to be another case of Anakin Vs Vader syndrome. I don’t know about you but I don’t really give a shit where the T-1000 comes from or how it works; I just care that it was bad ass and could kill people in a lot of nasty ways. This is one story point that needs no explanation. The T-1000 owns – end of fucking list. And while I understand the psycho babble storytelling behind the device taking on the appearance of it’s creator as it goes wonky and tries to stab us all with it’s extendable death penis, it just isn’t interesting to me. The T-1000 was a gag that worked once because it was new and cool. The more you show it, the less cool it becomes; like Pamela Andersons tits.

So that’s the roundup, boys and girls. The film companies are once again going to show you, the viewing public, that you have no idea what makes a good story by working really hard to give you exactly what you say you want.

I hope you choke on it.